Glad to know that you are making progress and you have help from someone to convince your mom.

Best of luck to you.

I agree that filial piety need to come first. You have only one parent left, so, I can see why you cherish your mom so much.

The thing is, my mom is VERY paranoid and thinks all guys are pigs. She has to realize that there are good guys in this world too. Many of my friends studied abroad and worked abroad and nothing happened to them. I think it is partly fate too.The thing if people are scared of this and that, then might as well lock ourselves somewhere and never come out. Luckily, my mom is religious and believes in fate and all. I had a talk with a monk and he helped convince my mom to let me go… BUt I have to leave her one day and she knows that.

That story is so sad…I think it is sad that people don’t know how to value someone when they are still around. My mom plays favorites too. My oldest brother is often neglected and treated badly by my mom too. SInce there are many kids in our family, it is hard for her love us all equally.

I think you are right. Of course I would have better feelings toward the brother that like my husband more. It makes sense…

Have you made any progress since you last talk about your career problem in spcnet or are you stuck at the same stage? I do feel bad for you. Some parents are really good at emotional blackmail. Is it possible for you to make small steps like move out to some place near your home first before you go straight ahead overseas?

Anyway, I do believe that your mom’s fear is not totally because of face. Being rape is one of the worst thing that could happen to a woman. I do believe that your mom’s fear partly comes from her love for you.

I’ve watched a documentary years ago (it’s a series of documentaries that retold stories that happen in real life as warning to others no to repeat the protagonist’s mistake). There’s a couple who was very sexist. They have 2 sons and 1 daughter, but, they were always more favorable to their sons and treated them better than their daughter. The daughter won a trophy and her brother want to play with it. She refused and her mom scolded her and took her trophy to give it to her brother who went on to play with the trophy roughly. Another time, they ate out at a fast food restaurant. Because the table was made for 4 only, the parents and 2 sons sit together while the daughter has to sit at the next table. The mother was so irritating. She was so bias that she purposely sought out the smallest piece of chicken for her daughter. Then, one day, the mom asked the daughter to buy something for her (she initially wanted to ask son, but the son pretended to be busy studying. So, she asked the daughter who was busy doing something). You can see her life in the home when she slipped and drop the floor she bought. She was so scared that she cried. The shopkeeper took pity on her and gave her a new packet of floor without charging. But, the daughter didn’t reach home. Police later came to the couples’ and told them that their daughter was killed on her way home. The mother broke down and cried really sadly.

So, most parents, however sexist they are will still love their daughters.

” Luckily my 4th brother somewhat changed for the better and stands up for me. I wonder if it is because I actually like his wife??”

This is most probably true.
Put yourself in your brother’s shoes. If one day you married and 1 brother likes your husband while the other doesn’t. Which brother will you have more good feelings toward?

I have told my mom on many occasions that if I ever have my own kids that I will treat them equally… But she doesn’t care since it will not be her responsibility. However, she always tells me that I had better have a son or else my future mother in law will not like me at all.

I am sad to say that I am 31 now but am struggling with my career. The thing is, I want to be an English teacher and have gotten my masters degree in 2008 and want to go and teach abroad. However, I have been struggling with my family for years now and it is killing me. But you are right, I need to live for myself and am sick of them trying to control my life. My mom always plays the guilt trick on me too. She says that she will die if anything happened to me… Yea right.. I don’t think it is because she cares for me. She thinks that if I got raped(that is like her biggest fear ever) then she will be disgraced and our family will lose face. Face just means so much to her… Basically, I am struggling to leave and go overseas to fulfill my dream and start my career, however, so many obstacles have been in my way. I am hoping to break through them all because in the end, it is my life…. I am lucky that most of my brothers support me on it, but some of them are so highly against it like my mom. THey always try to discourage me and say really mean things…. I try not to care but I can’t deny that it does affect me.

I only have 1 younger brother by the way. All of my other brothers are all older than me. A lot of them don’t live with us anymore, but come home and I need to serve them when they do. Luckily, they are pretty nice about it unlike my mom.

However, my traditional mom says that if I ever get married then I will have to take care of my husband and his parents. Then she will not really expect me to take care of her and my brothers as much anymore. How traditional can she be? I can say that my brother’s wife don’t give a care about our family at all. My mom’s says that they will suffer and be punished because of that…Gosh, I wonder how true that is..

I can’t wait to get a job, go overseas and fulfill my dream… There are big obstacles for me but I just have to live for myself… Thanks Jayne and Funn for your encouragement and support! I really appreciate it!

In the past and present villages, boys were preferred over girls because of economic praticality. For the poor masses, boys possessed more strength to work the farm and stay with the family. My mother’s parents farmed until they were in their 60s; this was all manual labor and lots of squatting and back-breaking work without big machinery in the old days. My mom and her sisters married to other remote villages and could not assist their parents with farming. Without my uncle’s help, my grandparents would have to farmed much harder. I’m not sure what the policies are these days, but back then everyone had a quota to meet. My mom even farmed until she was 7 months pregnant and due to the hard labor, I was born early. My family visited our home village two years ago and some elderly people in their 60s still had to farm because their younger children were no longer by their side.

With the rise of economic wealth in select urban Chinese cities, some families are amassing great wealth, which they want to preserve in their family’s name. As a result, the families still prefer boys to carry the families’ name and inherit the wealth, where the girls would take the wealth and bring into her married family.

From what I see with friends’ families, Chinese boys are not expected to do a lot of domestic chores. If there are only boys in the family, the mother tends to do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. If there is a mix of female and male children, then the girls usually help out more with the chores. Disregarding ethnicity, I think women in general do more domestic chores than men. Perhaps this is from their mothers’ influence. Personally I think women have more patience for domestic chores and the attentiveness to do a better job. But that doesn’t mean that the guys should not do their share of chores.

HeTieShou, I agree with Funn’s comment. When you are older and can afford your own financial independence, it would be great to have some time on your own.

Asians likes boys, true, especially Chinese. Because of this archaic belief that boys carry the surnames, that boys will be the one to lead the funeral procession and I always find it disturbing that say a man has no son and he dies, some ai-yah son will be leading the procession whilst the grieving real daughters do not.

My mother grew up in an environment akin to yours, except her mother never loved her and bullied her for unknown reason, not because she was a daughter but because she was just I suppose, there. That sort of action ripped a family apart and all siblings quarrel and not united at all. My father’s family is so united, we his children are left out. Quite a contrast.

My family, siblings are close. Which is why I can never understand feuding siblings because I am close to my siblings.

HeTieShou, how old are you? Once you’ve your own job, when you’re an adult, if you’re still young and studying a this moment, once you’re that you should really consider telling those younger brothers who treats you like a maid to just eff off. You’re the big sister; you have every right to teach them manners. If you parents can’t do it, well you do it. Your older brothers I have no comments. They’re older so by right must be respected. But respect has a limit and it is earned. Don’t let these sexist archaic thinkings get you down. You’re better than all of them.

What world are we living in to have such thinkings… I can’t imagine if one of the sons say “Mom, dad, I am gay!” what will happen?

Yea, I have 7 brothers(6 older and 1 younger ) and I don’t understand why everyone thinks that I would be the “pearl in the palm”?? I don’t know about other families since that doesn’t happen often, but that is not how it is in my family. My parents are really sexist and traditional and favor boys over girls.They treat me like a maid and I have serve my brothers like kings. My younger brother(who is the youngest) is treated like a prince though.

It’s funny how you mentioned about a family wanting granddaughters! I can tell you that in my family right now, I only have nephews and no neices at all. Therefore, my mom has only grandsons and since she is really sexist and traditional, she does not mind not having a granddaughter. In fact when she heard that my brother’s wife wanted a girl, she was not that happy. However, in the end she gave birth to another boy so my mom was really happy in the end… She just loves having boys…

Wow, you have 7 brothers? I thought in this situation, the daughter will be ‘pearl in the palm’ since she’s so rare?
Mom my related to me a case with her friend. The friend’s in-laws family always have sons. The grandma so wanted a granddaughter that she set aside a sum of money that whichever daughter in-law can give her a granddaughter, she will give the money to her and the baby. She even knitted baby girls clothes for her yet-to be-born granddaughter. Too bad. The last I heard, that friend also have no daughters, only sons. It’s refreshing to hear accounts like this where a female child is greatly desired.

@Funn,
I don’t think it is always true that sons are close to the mom and the daughters close to the fathers. That is true in some cases, but is definately not always true and is far from the fact. Once again, it varies from person to person. In my case, I am closer to my mom but was close to my dad as well.